My Father is going to die soon?

My father, who has been sick with M.S. (Multiple Sclerosis) for as long as I remember (he was diagnosed when I was 3, and I am now 14). I had never thought my dad would die of M.S. Sure I researched it enough to hear that it would shorten his life span, but I never thought it would cause him death so soon. I remember when I would get mad at him for not being able to walk and having me help him in and out of the car (I was about 9 and had to LIFT my father out of the car to put him in his wheelchair, I wish I could still do this so much), but I feel so much regret from this anger. I feel this because my father is no longer what I would consider human. I have seen my father go from someone who was, literally, respected by the members of our community for how much work he put into making our house the most beautiful house on the block, respected by the members of the GSPGA (Giant Squash and Pumpkin Growers Association [yeah, growing giant pumpkins was his hobby, as well as mine]), respected by the Lawn Industry (his area of business) and also respected by members of the BSA (Boy Scouts of America) for the long hours he put into making my scout pack to be the best it could be. He is no longer able, but if he wasn't in this state, he would most definitely be helping with my troop, to someone who is unable to talk in complete sentences, unable to know his own birthday, or the name of his own son.

I feel deep regret for not knowing it would turn out like this, and even worse for being angry with him when he was still coherent and knew the situation. I feel at a loss for what to do and am miserable. I had always been close to my Father, I did everything with him. Even when he was still able to drive, he would randomly decide to take me to New York or Massachusetts (I live in southern Connecticut). My Mother says it was very fortunate and maybe even God who made it happen, but I was able to have a lot of fun with my father and grew a close bond with him.

It was this bond though, that makes it so painful. I can barely remember who he used to be, I only remember him from what his old friends and colleagues would say about how he used to be. I must have hurt him greatly, always yelling at him for being crippled, I sicken myself. I just wish I could tell him how I feel, and for him to understand my words. I have tried but he doesn't understand what I am saying.

I look back often, at the pictures of old holidays and such, when my father could still access other parts of the house in his wheelchair, and only after going back to see the way he used to be, he was so sad, how had I not noticed? I remember my father as having pride, one of the only things I remember. When he was still in the wheelchair, he would tell me sometimes, that he would rather die, then end up in a bed or losing more of his pride than he had already lost.

My father is now going to die soon. He has been to the hospital, a nursing home, been removed from the nursing home because of the reality of the fact my mom works to keep ends meat and the fact we are white and own a house. (I don't want to start anything racist here, but from our friend who is a nurse, we have heard much about how our insurance company won't pay a nursing service to come help him instead of my mom and I doing it, but will pay for an old women of another race who was able to get up, and move around but had no income. She only wanted help for making meals and keeping her company, BUT THEY WON'T PAY FOR A MAN WHO IS UNABLE TO GET UP, UNABLE TO THINK, AND UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING FOR HIMSELF, EVEN UNABLE TO SEE, and not to mention that man is at deaths door with his hand on the knob.)

I am tired of it...Tired of life, and tired of the worry and crying I hear from my mothers room at night, she just walked into the room crying just now, thought I might want to mention that. I just want the pain of watching my father die a little bit, day by day. I'm just 14, I don't want to have to deal with losing my father, but I don't want to deal with watching him and my mom suffer anymore. What should I do? Please...I'm at a loss...

Thanks...Steve..